With 40 Days to Go…

IMG_0584That’s a Lenten Fish Fry season and those go really, really fast! Lent has always been my favorite time of the year. I stopped practicing religion a long time ago, but the message of Lent and Easter always have stayed with me. I love the message of sacrifice and selflessness and redemption, and the hopefulness of Springtime that always accompanies the season. This Lent of 2016 is special because it marks the last 40 days until Baby K’s due date!

So much has changed over the past few months, so I thought I would write everything down here so that I can always remember how things went…

I have long said that I was never having a baby unless everything could go perfectly according to the plan in my mind, but you know what happens to the best laid plans…

In May of 2015, I made the incredibly heart-wrenching decision to leave PR Newswire. The nine years I spent there were some of the best of my entire life, but the constant pressure and stress I placed on myself futilely trying to advance my career became unbearable. I gave everything I had for years trying to be the best I could possibly be and it just wasn’t enough…I finally came to the excruciating realization that it was never going to be. It was one of the hardest decisions I had ever made, but I knew for my own health and sanity that I had to make it. So I accepted a new position at a new company in a new industry where I started in June. All this time, we had been trying to start our family in some amount of haste, thanks to my looming 36th birthday in the Fall. Almost immediately after I started at this new company, in July of 2015, we found out we were expecting this baby.

I was dealing with the normal first trimester nasty symptoms, but I was doing pretty good, and I managed to keep up with 4 – 5 Pure Barre classes per week, and then later a good mix of prenatal yoga and barre well into the Second Trimester. I was embracing the fact that I was the new girl at school and had a lot of learning to do, and I was up for the challenge, despite expecting. I was desperate to love my new job, considering how much I felt I gave up leaving PRN. However, it became almost immediately apparent that this company was not at all in line with my own business and personal philosophies, and I quickly knew this was not going to be a fit. It was a hard realization to come to, but I could not see a future there. It made me pretty sick. I would look for the good and try to convince myself it was going to be OK, but I knew in my heart it was not working.

Additionally, my aforementioned plan for having a baby did not involve me working or my child in day care or me working 🙂 I began to have major, crippling anxiety over the thought that I was bringing this child into the world and it was not going to be on my terms. The pervasive thought ruminating in my head night and day was that I was going to have to leave my newborn in the care of strangers to go back to work at a job I despise. My parents kept telling me that was not going to happen and that I needed to quit worrying because things were going to work out. They always say that and I never believe them, even though they are always right. I spent the next several months internally bitter and so scared that things were not going according to my plan, and that things were not happening on my terms. I had been driving myself crazy, and there was no solution or end of the rainbow in sight.

Sometimes things just happen the way they are supposed to though, and through no intervention of my own, my dream has come true…I am no longer working for someone else. I am free now to stay home with my own baby, to take care of my husband and my cats and my house. And I get to write! And I can use my time to help my family’s businesses get better with PR and Social Media, to give back a little bit for everything they have given me. When I do decide it is time to seriously go back to work, I am going to do everything that I can to work for myself, which I believe is a much better fit than killing myself to please and benefit people who do not care about me. Those days are over. I plan on making the most of my blog too! I already have decided to do a Friday Feature: The Top 5 Most Vile Things Republicans Did This Week…the first installment will be on February 12 and you will not want to miss it!

But most importantly, I am so grateful that I will get to spend this precious time with my first baby, which, aside from being a writer, is all I ever really wanted, even long before I ever knew he/she existed. So this Lent will be a preparation period for me, to get my mind and body and home ready for the baby and to embrace the new opportunity that I have been given to make the life I have always wanted for myself and my family.

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